Life After You
by B of Ericaland
Summary: set five years after erica leaves seattle. flashbacks of callica.
1. The Short Straw

DISCLAIMER:: not mine. belongs to shonda and abc studios.

A/N:: had a small spurt of inspiration at work last night and this is the product of that. just going to be a couple chapters; a pretty direct story. reviews are appreciated. enjoy.

-----/////-----

_C'mon Mr. Hill. I've seen hearts in worse devastating condition that've pulled through surgeries much more evasive than this._ She focused on his heart. _Beat, goddamn it, beat. _She felt herself robotically hold up her hands and a faceless nurse pushed the instruments into them. "Charge to 10 joules." She shocked the heart and paused for a moment. Nothing. _Damn it, Mr. Hill, don't die on me._ _You'll spoil my reputation._ "Charge to 20." She shocked again, and after a moment's hesitation, the heart reluctantly pulsed with life. She smiled satisfactorily as if she hadn't just doubted that he'd pull through. "Welcome back, Mr. Hill."

-----/////-----

"Brilliant job as always, Dr. Hahn."

Erica, currently scrubbing out, didn't even spare a glance over her shoulder. She knew it'd be Brandi. The bright eyed resident reminded her of the younger Grey. She was eager to learn and optimistic. Every loss was a personal tragedy to her. She showed promise in her skills but Erica knew her emotions would drown her if she didn't learn to be harder. _To be more like me._ She scrubbed her hands harder, dismayed at the thought.

"Thank you Dr. Waybright."

Brandi lingered for a second too long, her eyes boring into Erica's back. Brandi had failed to be subtle in her attraction to Erica. Erica, ever professional, had not taken the bait, then or now. But Brandi was persistent. She was convinced she would break eventually. Obviously, the three and a half years Erica had spent being head of cardio at Johns Hopkins had taught the girl nothing about Erica.

"I heard you're going to be the new Chief of Surgery when Dr. Harris retires next week."

Finally, Erica turned, a polite smile on her face. "I wasn't aware it had been formally announced yet."

Brandi shrugged. "It hasn't. I have my ways."

Against her better judgment, Erica gave in to the urge to flirt. "I bet you do."

Brandi beamed.

Erica's pager broke the silence, saving Erica from having to back up her small flirtation. She had no intention of going there with Brandi, and she had no doubt Brandi would press the issue if she stayed.

"I have to take this."

Brandi smiled and stepped to the side so Erica could pass her on her way out of the scrub room.

-----/////-----

Mark Sloan had never been so nervous in his life. He had been nervous before, not many times, but a few. He had been nervous when he'd told Derek about his relationship with Lexie, and later when he and Lexie had decided to take the next step and buy a house together. When she had entered her sixth year of residency, he had proposed. That was the last time he could remember being really nervous, but it was still nothing compared to today.

He wrung his hands as he stood, then sat, then changed his mind and stood again. He thought back to the night before when nine friends had gathered in the third floor hallway of Seattle Grace hospital and drawn straws. Short straw would go find Erica Hahn. He sat once more, convincing himself that was the better option; standing was making his stomach twist. He hadn't drawn the short straw, Addison had, but he had offered to go in her place, just as he would have had anyone else drawn the short straw. It was his responsibility; he had a deeper history with her than anyone else at Seattle Grace, with the exception of Callie, and Callie would never come here. She was too proud. Six years, and her pride had prevented her from taking one cross country flight. Everyone had objected, feeling it was their obligation to go, and all not really wanting to, but he'd saved them, insisting that it was his job.

Things had moved on in Erica's absence. Derek and Meredith had finally had their wedding. It was small and private. They had both been in their scrubs in the hospital chapel with no more than fifteen attendees. It was what they'd always wanted. Bailey had become an attending in general surgery and had been promoted instantly to Chief of Surgery when Richard had, finally, retired the year before. Christina and Owen were very much a couple but taking things day by day. His PTSD episodes had been dormant for nearly two years now and they had grown so much in their relationship since. Mark knew Owen planned on proposing to Christina sometime within the next couple months. Christina was now a cardio attending, as Meredith was for neuro. Sadly, Izzie Stevens had passed shortly after George, and Alex had taken it hard. He transferred to Mercy West to finish his residency.

Mark had somehow expected Erica to return. He hadn't been convinced she wasn't coming back, though Callie had. After the first year, when Seattle Grace had shot back up the list, and became as prestigious as it once was, and the head of cardio still hadn't been filled, he was sure she'd return. She'd just sweep in, all confident, acting as if she'd never left. He had underestimated how angry Erica was with Richard and Seattle Grace, or quite possibly, how upset she was with Callie. Whatever the reason, she hadn't returned.

She had written a long letter… a very long letter, to Callie following George's death. Callie had held it as if it were her heart in her hands. She had kept it and read it several times over; refusing to let anyone else read it or even touch it. Today it was worn with the many readings, falling apart and possibly Callie's most prized possession. But that was the only word any one of them had heard from her in the six years since she'd left Seattle Grace. They'd all heard of her growing fame. She'd flourished at Massachusetts General and when the position had opened up at Johns Hopkins, she had gently eased into it without any problems. She had become everything she'd dreamed. She was revered, her skills respected anywhere she wielded her scalpel. She was the best.

His nervousness didn't spring from his intimidation, but rather from fear of what she would say. Words could cut deeply when you were vulnerable, and right now, Mark Sloan was raw.

-----/////-----

Emergency. When she'd answered her page, that's all the nurse had said. It was an emergency. Erica hadn't asked details, an emergency was an emergency; she'd get the details when she got there. The thing that had thrown her off was that she'd been paged to her office.

She hurried through the halls and up a flight of stairs. Just outside her office she ran into the nurse who paged her and stopped dead. She saw something in her eyes that she hadn't seen in a long time: pity. No one had pitied Erica Hahn in many many years, not since her intern days. But there it was.

The nurse cleared her throat. "He's waiting in your office, Dr. Hahn."

Erica was frozen, unable to respond even as the nurse turned and walked away. He? Who was he? And why was he in her office?

She shook off her confusion and opened the door to her office, stepping inside and closing it behind her before looking at the man seated in front of the large mahogany desk. She was able to hide the shock but inside she was spinning. What was Sloan doing here?

"Sloan."

"Hello Erica."

Erica walked around behind her desk and stood, liking that she was looking down on him. It gave her a small modicum of satisfaction. She was slightly thrown off by the raspy quality of his voice. He was quiet, too quiet. This wasn't Mark Sloan as she remembered him. This wasn't the dirty man whore she had left in Seattle.

"What brings you here Mark? Last I checked, you were still at Seattle Grace, stuck, unmoving, as head of Plastics."

Mark took the slight insult calmly, which also surprised her. She took a better look at him and realized what she'd originally missed. He looked tired, exhausted, as if he'd walked here all the way from Seattle. It wasn't that he'd forgotten how to fight back, but rather that he no longer possessed the emotional energy to do so.

"How have you been Erica?"

Erica frowned. This was unsettling her. First Mark's appearance and then his behavior, both were odd. She didn't like being caught off guard, so this situation was getting old… fast.

"I have surgery in twenty minutes Sloan; I don't have time for pleasantries."

Sloan nodded, but made no move to speak.

Erica widened her eyes and made a circling gesture with her hands while she spoke, slowly. "So can we move this along?" She sighed. "Just tell me why you're here."

Sloan swallowed hard, knowing what needed to be said, but dreading it all the same. "It's Callie, Erica… she's dead."


	2. A Pretty Confession

DISCLAIMER:: not mine. belongs to shonda and abc studios

A/N:: so i'm planning for this story to go back and forth between the present and the past. hence the flashback chapter below. i promise i won't make you wait too long for erica's reaction. reviews are appreciated. enjoy.

-----/////-----

**5.5 Years Earlier**

Erica Hahn sidled quietly up to Callie Torres and put a hand on the small of her back, effectively diverting Callie's attention from the chart she was reading to the blonde surgeon. When their eyes locked, both women smiled, an involuntary reaction that had become commonplace between them.

"Hey Erica."

"I was wondering if you wanted to get drinks at Joe's with me tonight." Erica's smile widened, inviting.

Callie found herself nodding, though she barely knew Dr. Hahn. It had been less than a day since she'd come in that first night and asked Sloan and Callie to have a drink with her. But Callie had been easily drawn in by her charm, her wit, her brilliance, just… her. She wouldn't call it an attraction really, just a deep… admiration.

"Wonderful. I get off at nine thirty, so I'll meet you in the lobby around ten."

Callie smiled, too happy to notice that Erica's hand had remained gently against the small of her back through their whole conversation. "Sounds good."

-----/////-----

Mark Sloan stood, gazing at cold steel as he waited for the elevator doors to open.

Across the room Erica Hahn was rolling her umbrella between her hands, waiting for her new drinking buddy. The second her eyes caught Sloan she walked over to him. Sloan, noticing her approach turned to meet her.

"Here's the thing. You're too pretty." Erica came to a standstill before him.

"Aw come on."

Erica smiled. "No. So pretty in fact that if we didn't work together we would probably be…" Erica smiled wider and nodded, no need to finish the sentence required. "But the point is, we do work together and in order for me to do my job, I need to leave who I am outside the doors of this hospital. So…"

Just then the elevator doors slid open and Callie stepped out, dressed in her typical casually sexy style with her purse slung over her arm. "Oh hey. Ready?"

"I am." Erica turned without a moment's hesitation, ready to leave the small conversation she'd just had with Sloan behind her.

Callie paused looking at Mark suspiciously, then she went to fall into step beside Erica.

Mark was heated from the conversation and Erica's admission that if they weren't coworkers, they would be sleeping together. "Where are you guys going? You going to Joe's? I'll come meet you."

Callie was still watching him, walking backwards, as Erica looked over her shoulder. "Goodnight Dr. Sloan." Erica turned her attention back to the main entrance in front of her and Callie turned around, following suit. They leaned close together, whispering like girls were prone to do.

-----/////-----

"What did you say to him?" Callie set the glass of red wine in front of Erica and her own drink and sat in the empty chair at the table Erica had staked out.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Erica was feigning innocence, but her smirk was giving her away. Callie wasn't buying it.

"He was looking at you with… an almost longing. Like you'd just told him you had been waiting for him in an on call room all day."

"I told him that if we weren't coworkers, I'd be sleeping with him by now." Erica took a sip of her wine and examined Callie over the top of her glass. Callie didn't look disgusted, but rather amused. She smiled at Erica as if she'd suspected this fact all along. "What?"

Callie shook her head, but the smirk never left her face. "He's cocky, but at least he can back it up. He didn't get labeled a man whore for no reason."

Erica practically spit out her mouthful of wine. "You and Sloan?" Erica shook her head. "You and, and Sloan?"

Callie shrugged. "Before I got married, back when George and I were just dating, I broke up with him for a while. He wasn't committed to us, it was always Meredith needs me or Izzie needs me and I couldn't compete. So I broke it off, and in my misery, I ran into Sloan. He was there, he offered me a drink and next thing I know, we're naked in my hotel room."

Erica contemplated her for a second. "Do you regret it?"

"Sleeping with Sloan? No."

Erica frowned. "No, marrying George."

Callie thought for a moment. It was an honest question. Erica looked truly curious and she had no doubt that the blonde would be supportive no matter what her answer was. They were friends now after all. "Yes. No." Callie set down her glass. "Not really. I love George. He's a great guy. But… I should have seen it then. I was partly to blame for not paying any attention to the signs. They were always there , but I chose to ignore them because I wanted it to work. He was my McDreamy, or so I thought. I could never compete with Meredith, let alone Izzie. She was his best friend, not to mention the blonde hair and the great body and…"

"You're much sexier than Izzie Stevens could ever hope to be. George O'Malley is blind and stupid and insignificant."

Callie raised an eyebrow, but then smiled. "If I were the kind of person who hugged, I'd hug you right now." It felt oddly good to have Erica think she was hot.

"Well thank god you're not." Erica shook her head, amused but as she glanced away, a smile and a warm feeling she didn't quite understand came over her.


	3. Dance With Me

DISCLAIMER:: not mine. belongs to shonda and abc studios.

A/N:: another flashback this chapter. next chapter will take us back to the present and erica's reaction to the news, i promise. sorry it took so long for the update. my sister is flying in october 8th and it's kinda a big deal, plans to be made and all that.

-----/////-----

**5.5 Years Earlier**

Erica Hahn had never been the type for putting g herself into social situations. She was solitary in her free time and much preferred to brave the world alone than to spend her time in a crowd. But Callie had suggested dancing, as in a club, as in a crowd, and she had found herself mindlessly agreeing. It had been a month and a half since they'd become friends, since their first night playing darts at Joe's, and she and Callie were… not really inseparable, but they just didn't seem to like to be apart. Their free time was always spent together. She knew what that meant. She had a best friend. Callie was her best friend.

Erica had had friends before, she wasn't _that_ cut off from the world, but she had only had a best friend once before and that was a very long time ago. No, best friends weren't her thing. It was generally a relationship that required way too much effort. But being with Callie was effortless. She got Erica's dry, sarcastic sense of humor. She was a surgeon herself so she got Erica's obsession with surgery and understood the demands of her job, because they were the demands of her job as well. She knew just the way to push Erica to try new things that normally she never would.

Like dancing. In a club. With people everywhere. Rubbing up against each other. It was unsanitary. But Callie's eyes had sparkled as if there was some big part of this dancing thing she didn't know about, something that you only knew if you did this dancing thing on a regular basis. So she had agreed, because she had wanted to have that same sparkle in her eye.

For the better part of the first hour Erica simply pretended to enjoy herself while sitting at a table and sipping her drink. Callie was off god knows where enjoying herself with guy number three. The music pounded out of the speakers, but it wasn't a bad beat. It wasn't what she had expected. She had thought to see mostly barely legal children in miniskirts and tube tops being led around by the guy they would probably have raunchy drunken sex with and then regret it in the morning. But this club was actually filled with people mostly over the age of twenty five and it had a more conservative style. It definitely wasn't as bad a s she had assumed.

"Dance with me?"

Erica looked up from her drink and her thoughts to find Callie smiling widely at her. She was holding out her hand expectantly, not at all believing Erica might consider refusing. And she didn't. She took Callie's hand without hesitation though she had never really been one for dancing in public. She wasn't even sure if she could dance, or if she would just end up being one of those losers who flailed their arms and hips wildly.

"You don't have to dance with me." Erica didn't want to believe Callie was doing this out of charity, but the realist in her told her it was probably true.

"Actually I do."

Erica stepped around the table and let Callie drag her onto the dance floor. She raised an eyebrow. "Oh? And why is that?"

Callie smiled and pulled Erica close to her, their bodies pressed close together. "Because I always dance with the hottest person in the room."

Did Callie just flirt with her? Erica blew it off as something best friends did. Little flirtations that meant nothing. That's what best friends did; it must be. Callie wasn't interested in her and she most definitely wasn't interested in Callie. Except that she was.

-----/////-----

"It's late." Erica shielded her eyes against the first rays of morning sun peeking over the horizon.

"It's early." Callie knew she should be tired, but she wasn't. She guessed it must be one of the benefits of being a surgeon; being able to pull all nighters without exhaustion setting in halfway through the night. It also helped that she had been dancing with Erica, all night. After she'd ditched guy number three, there had been no guy number four. She had asked Erica to dance, and after a couple minutes she knew she wouldn't be asking anyone else to dance. She had underestimated that Erica could keep up with her energy, but the blonde had kept pace with her and they had danced the night away, literally.

"You wanna get some coffee? I think we have just enough time before work starts."

Callie smiled. "Coffee would be good."

-----/////-----

Thirty minutes later, Callie was standing next to Erica in the elevator, heading up to the third floor.

"I don't know if it has set in for you yet, but my muscles are really starting to ache. I think maybe I should have stopped after the third hour." Erica smirked.

Callie smiled. "I do yoga."

Erica raised an eyebrow. "Yoga? Really?"

"Sunrise yoga. It helps improve my longevity, decreases my stress levels, and helps build up my muscles so I can go all night."

"Tweaking my body into positions named after animals has never been my idea of relaxing."

"Don't knock it 'til you've tried it." Callie smiled. "You're going with me next time I go."

The elevator doors opened and the women stepped out together, coffees still in hand.

"I'm not doing it."

"You so are gonna do it."

"I'm so not."

"Callie! Callie, Callie, Callie!" Callie turned to see Yang rushing towards her. She glanced at Erica who had continued on without her but had paused at the nurses' station to pick up some charts. Confident that Erica would wait for her, she walked over to Yang.

"Oh hey." She took a sip of her coffee.

"You came in with Dr. Hahn?"

"Erica? Yeah." Callie glanced over her shoulder to see that Erica was still busy. "We went out last night and it got kinda late with the dancing and the…." She laughed at the memory of the previous night. "Anyway, we never made it home so I hitched a ride here."

Yang looked slightly surprised. "So you're hanging out with Dr. Hahn?"

"Erica. Yes."

"So you and Hahn are friends?"

"Erica. Yeah." Callie nodded and turned, walking off to meet Erica just as the blonde was turning away from the nurses' station. They fell into step beside each other with an ease that seemed precise enough to be programmed.

-----/////-----

Callie hadn't seen Erica all day, which oddly saddened her. It wasn't like she couldn't live a day without Erica, but she missed the heart surgeon's company. She heard a commotion and looked up to see Karev and Yang rush by. "Whoa, where's the fire?"

Christina paused. "Can't talk now, gotta kick Karev's ass suturing." She turned and saw Karev had stopped, waiting for the elevator. She weighed her options and then came back to Callie. "Since when are you friends with my mentor?"

"A, she's not your mentor because she treats you like crap and B, if you weren't living in the hospital like a mangy dog, you would have noticed that Erica and I have been friends for a while."

"You put in a good word for me right?"

This was ridiculous. Yang really needed to back off Erica if she wanted to impress the heart surgeon. "We don't talk about you."

Christina was frustrated. "I let you live with me!"

Callie turned her attention back to her cell phone where she had just received a text from the cardio surgeon asking her if she wanted to get drinks that night. "He's getting on the elevator."

Yang looked confused. "Who?"

"Alex."

Christina turned and raced over to the elevator, catching it just in time.

Callie sent a text back. _How about wine at my place instead?_

_-----/////-----_

Erica had no idea what to make of the invitation. It wasn't the first time she had been in the apartment Callie shared with Christina Yang, but it was the first time she'd ever been invited to stay. All previous times she'd set foot in the apartment had been just to pick Callie up or to drop her off.

Callie unlocked the door and let them both in. The apartment was dark, a sure sign that Yang wasn't home yet, which thrilled Erica. The last thing she needed was a night of Yang annoying her about getting on her service.

"Take a seat. I'll grab the wine." Callie flicked on the light.

Erica walked in and set her purse down next to the armchair and sat down just as Callie came in with a bottle of wine and two glasses. She set them on the table, opened the bottle and poured a generous amount of red liquid into each glass. She handed one to Erica who accepted it gratefully.

Callie parked it on the floor in front of the couch, her back resting against it. Erica was smiling at her and she was only able to keep eye contact with the blonde for a minute before she looked into her glass, the faintest hint of a blush creeping into her cheeks.

"What did Yang want this morning?" Erica took a sip from her glass.

"Oh. She was just asking why I was coming in with you and if we were friends."

Erica rolled her eyes. "Great. Now she's gonna try and use you to get in on my surgeries."

Callie knew it was true. Yang wasn't above using her to get in on Erica's cardio surgeries. Nothing could keep Christina from a heart surgery, and for some reason, she was dead set on having Hahn, who obviously was not fond of her, teach her. She decided not to broach the subject. The last thing she wanted was Erica to spend the night complaining about how annoying Yang was.

"Any interesting cases today?"

Erica shrugged. "Nothing extraordinary. But I am taking that ectopia cordis case next week."

That caught Callie's attention. "The one Addison is flying in for."

Erica took a long sip of her wine and nodded.

Callie smiled. "You'll love Addison. She's great."

Erica nodded. "Well if you love her, then I'm sure we'll get along."

"You better be nice to her Erica Hahn; she's one of my best friends."

Erica smiled saucily at Callie. "I'm always nice."

Callie rolled her eyes but she couldn't help smiling.


	4. The Cold Front

DISCLAIMER:: not mine. belongs to shonda and abc studios.

A/N:: back to the present. a short chapter but it's to the point.

-----/////-----

**Present Day --- Baltimore**

"Erica, did you hear me?" Mark stared disbelievingly at Erica's unchanged expression. She looked as if she had no reaction, positive or negative, to the news. It was as if he'd just told her the sky was blue. "Erica?" He was getting frustrated at her lack of response. "Hahn!?"

"Is that all?" She gave him her typical glare.

"Is that all?! Are you serious? Erica, she's your best friend!"

"She _was_ my best friend."

Mark stood up and slammed his fists on her desktop. "That never mattered to her and it shouldn't matter to you either!"

"Get out of my office Sloan."

Mark turned and headed for the door. "You know, they always called you names: ice queen, wicked witch of the west coast, Attila the Hahn, and I never agreed with them. I always thought it was just a front, this shield you put up to keep people from getting to see the real you. Until now." He opened the door but paused, his voice softer. "I'm leaving on the first flight out tomorrow morning, until then I'll be at the Harbor Court, room 724. If you change your mind, you know where I'll be." He didn't wait to see if she'd respond, too worried that she might continue with this cold indifference. He knew, deep down, she cared. Somewhere, buried in there, down past the successful career, the fame, the prestige, and the stone fortress she'd erected to replace her emotions, was Erica's heart. And he knew that was the place Callie Torres still mattered.

-----/////-----

"Are you okay, Dr. Hahn?"

Erica's gaze shot upward. It took a few moments for her eyes to register what she was seeing—Brandi standing in her office doorway, looking concerned—before the stone exterior of professionalism came back.

"What can I do for you, Dr. Waybright?"

"Your surgery starts in a few minutes. I was just concerned that maybe…"

"Maybe what?" Erica's tone was harsh and sharp but she didn't care, even when she saw Brandi flinch.

"The nurses talk." Brandi stepped inside and closed the door. "Listen, Dr. Hahn, I'm really sorry. They said she was your best friend."

Erica didn't know what disgusted her more, the fact that she was once again the subject of the hospital rumor mill or that everyone felt pity for her. Pity was for the weak. Erica Hahn was not weak.

Erica stood and walked around her desk until she was standing only a foot in front of Brandi. The young resident shifted uncomfortably and looked down at the floor. "Tell me Dr. Waybright, you've been looking at me like your damn near ready to rip my clothes off and take me on the OR table ever since I started working here and now I'm supposedly in such a vulnerable state with my best friend's death and all; when were you planning on actually making a move?"

Brandi's eyes widened and shock registered on her face but Erica just raised her eyebrows and her eyes demanded an answer. Brandi shifted uneasily. "You're my boss. I know you'll respect me more if I put my emotions aside and focus on my job."

Erica nodded and turned away. "I'd respect you more if you took a little initiative."

Erica heard the lock on her door click. She turned just in time to have Brandi's body fold into hers. The younger woman's kisses were delicate and soft. She took great care in her movements. Her hands slipped into Erica's lab coat but not underneath her scrubs. Her lips blew across Erica's bare skin but there was no urgency. This girl was treating her as if she were… fragile. She was missing that passion, that fire. She was missing Callie.

She pushed Brandi away and turned her back to her. "Go to the OR and tell them I'll be ten minutes." Brandi was smart enough to leave without a word.

Erica walked around her desk and sat down. She opened the top left drawer. Inside sat a lonely folder. It was thick with papers. She opened it and from the top she pulled a photograph. It was faded with age and worn from being handled. It depicted Erica standing behind Callie with her arms around her and her chin resting on the brunette's shoulder. They were staring out at the ocean from an elevated deck. They looked effortlessly happy, and they had been. At least at the time the photograph was taken.

Erica ran a finger over Callie's image. And it was then, in the privacy of her office, that Erica let the walls around her heart crumble and the pain in.


	5. Don't Stop Believin'

DISCLAIMER:: not mine. still belongs to shonda and abc studios.

A/N:: i don't mean to repeat myself but i am sorry for the lack of updates. unfortunately, life calls at random times and it's been calling me away for the greater part of the last two months. more updates to come through mid november, i promise. this is a shorter chapter but the homecoming is going to be big and i didn't want to throw that in just yet.

-----/////-----

Mark sat alone in his hotel room. The Intercontinental Harbor Court had amazing views but he wasn't paying attention to them. Instead he was thinking about Callie and her smile. He'd known her for nearly seven years, he'd loved her. She had been his best friend for almost all their time together. It had been less than two days and a part of him still felt as if she would jump out from around a corner and start laughing at his foolishness. You always feel as if the people you care about are going to be there, until they're not. You never fully grasp the scope of not having that person in your life until they're no longer there. Because to think about it when they're still there, to feel that pain when you don't have to, it's unbearable. It's much easier to assume invincibility.

His phone went off. The screen told him it was Derek. He ignored the call and dropped the phone next to him on the bed without a second thought. He had expected Erica to come crawling in an hour after he'd left, once he had given her some quiet time to let the news sink in. He was not convinced for a moment that Erica no longer felt anything for Callie Torres. She loved Callie, he was sure she did, but she had let all these years apart harden her.

His phone went off again. Again he ignored it. He didn't even bother to check the screen. Derek was persistent. When it went off a third time, a personalized ring he recognized, he reached for the phone and pressed the small green button that would accept Lexie's call and put the phone to his ear.

"Hello?"

"Hey, how's it going?"

He knew what she meant. Had he got Erica to agree to return to Seattle; that was the underlying question.

"She's not going to come. She doesn't seem to care."

He held the phone away from his ear as a stream of profanities and insults came through the phone. Before they had bought a house, he had been living across the hall from Callie and Yang. Once Lexie had surmised that Callie wasn't a threat to her relationship, they had bonded. She had become friends with Callie; it was hard not to.

When he heard silence from the other line, he put the phone back to his ear.

"Someone has a dirty mouth." His tone was too quiet to be scolding and he didn't tell her that what she'd just said was exactly what he'd wanted to say to Erica in her office.

"It's not fair. How can she refuse to come? It's Callie we're talking about here. It's what she would have wanted." He could tell Lexie was on the verge of tears.

"This has to be something she chooses to do. I won't force her to come back to Seattle through guilt; she'd laugh at me if I tried. And Callie wouldn't have wanted that. She'd want Erica to be there, but only if she wanted to be." He was trying to soothe himself as much as Lexie.

He could almost see Lexie nodding, taking the information in and processing it.

"Did you make the plans yet?" It wasn't particularly a subject he wanted to broach, but he needed to distract Lexie and she was more focused and less emotional when she had something to do.

"The funeral is Saturday morning. I called her family. They'll be flying in from Miami day after tomorrow. She didn't want to be buried, according to her parents, so I… we all… picked out an urn, pending her family's approval of course. We're holding the funeral at…" Mark listened for twenty minutes as Lexie rambled on about the arrangements. It made him feel surprisingly relieved that they were dealing with all that in his absence. He had kept his composure through this whole thing but he knew things like urn shopping and telling her parents, that would break him.

"Do you think she'll come around Mark?"

He hadn't even noticed Lexie had stopped talking about the funeral arrangements. He sighed and ran a hand over his tired face. "I hope so."

-----/////-----

Kyle Harris looked up from the mess of forms on his desk when he heard a knock on the door. He smiled when he saw the blonde in the doorway. "Awww, Dr. Hahn, sit down, please. I assume you're here to talk about next week."

Erica had just scrubbed out of surgery. It had been a success. She still had her scrub cap on. But her professionalism was thrown off by the dullness in her eyes. Dr. Harris noticed it the second she sat down.

"Dr. Hahn, is something wrong?"

Erica spent thirty minutes explaining the situation she had been presented with that morning. When she finished Dr. Harris gave her a week off, no arguing or compromise allowed. She would return the day she was to take his position. He had lost his daughter when she was around Callie's age and he knew the grieving process well enough to know it was different for everyone and it came in waves.

Erica was slightly relieved as she changed back into her street clothes. She had no intention of going back to Seattle but she had a cabinet full of wine at her apartment with her name on it, and when she'd polished that off, there was a cozy little bar down the street. It wasn't Joe's but it had a dartboard and a full stock of liquor which was all she needed.

-----/////-----

It took Mark until he was waiting in line to go through security at the airport to believe Erica wasn't coming. He had stayed up all night, packed slowly this morning, believing the whole time that Erica would realize her mistake and show up. But she didn't and now he realized that he didn't know her anymore. It had been five years, five very long years, and the time had only made Erica Hahn, the ice queen, even colder.

Or maybe not. As he gave one last hopeful look over his shoulder, he saw her. He broke from his spot in line, much to the objection of the people he pushed out of the way backtracking, and walked over to her. He reached in his coat pocket, ignoring her glare, and pulled out a second boarding pass that he handed to her. She examined it and found it was hers. The name Erica Hahn was printed across it. She didn't ask questions, just strode past him in her usual take charge manner. He turned and followed her back to the line for security, a huge smile on his face.


	6. I Won't Share You

DISCLAIMER:: not mine. belongs to shonda rhimes and abc studios

A/N:: so i know this was a long time coming but i broke my ankle and have been very limited in my mobility. i've spent quite a while trying to get the hang of my crutches and keeping up with my three month old... it's just been hectic. but here's a long update and i haven't forgot about any of my stories... i'm working on them, i promise.

-----/////-----

**Present Day--- Somewhere Over Ohio**

Mark, though smug about being right, seemed content with ignoring Erica. Normally the silent treatment, especially from the likes of Mark Sloan, was something that hardly bothered her. But now, with so many questions in her head, she was impatient with his childlike tactics. She supposed it was fair punishment. She had, after all, pretended not to care when he told her his best friend had…. She couldn't even think the word now. She'd seen so much of death throughout her career and yet she couldn't even bare to face it now. She didn't want to be there, in that plane, going back. It wasn't real in Baltimore. There, Callie wasn't gone. She was just back in Seattle, a part of Erica's past. Erica could pretend Callie was there, pretend she was alive. Damn Mark! Damn him to hell! How dare he waltz in and ruin her perfect world! No, she couldn't blame him, as easy as it may be. She wanted to know the truth. It would have been worse to find out a few years down the road and not have time to make her peace.

She sighed. Thinking about Callie gone was exhausting her. It was much easier to think about the good times with Callie. So she laid back, closed her eyes, and let her mind drift back to happier times.

-----/////-----

**Four and a Half Years Ago--- Boston, Massachusetts**

Erica Hahn sat at her desk staring at the newspaper article glaring up at her angrily from her computer screen. Local Doctor Dies a Hero. She had made a habit of checking the major Seattle newspapers every week or so. It was her last tie to the city she had left nearly six months prior. Though she wouldn't admit it, she only did it in the hopes she might find some small connection to Callie. But she had seen no sign of Callie's life, until now. George O'Malley was gone. Erica knew the relationship between Callie and her ex-husband was strained but she also knew a part of Callie would always love George. This might break Callie. She was the strongest woman Erica knew, but could she really handle losing the man she had once considered to be the love of her life? Erica wasn't sure she could. Everything in her wanted to reach out to Callie, to comfort and hold her through this. But she couldn't. She'd left for a reason. She wasn't even sure Callie would want to see her at this particular moment. No, she had to keep her distance.

She pulled a couple sheets of paper from her desk and began to write.

_Cal,_

_I just heard about George. I wish telling you I'm sorry would help, but I know you well enough to know it won't. I know what he meant to you and it hurts to know you're hurting. I wish I could be there for you but I think it's probably better for both of us if I keep my distance. I can't explain to you why I'm gone, not like this. That conversation is for another time and place. You deserve an explanation face to face, and one day, I'll give that to you…_

She continued on for several pages, explaining how sorry she was that Callie had lost George, how she missed the times when it had been just them and a bottle of wine in the apartment she shared with Yang. But she told Callie nothing of how she felt until the very end of her letter…

_Your strong Cal, that's what made me love you, your strength, courage and compassion. You're going to hurt. Cliché as it sounds, pain is an inevitable part of life. But one day soon the pain will ease. It'll always be there when you think of him, but you'll find you're able to breathe again and that life still seems worth living. Be strong Callie, smile and live. It's what he would have wanted. I love you Cal and I know you'll get through this._

She glanced over the pages. It was true, every word of it, but that voice in the back of her mind, the one that had told her to leave Seattle in the first place, was telling her she didn't mean it, that Callie meant nothing to her. She hardened her will and blocked the voice out. She folded the pages and shoved them in an envelope, then sealed and addressed it.

-----/////-----

**Four and a Half Years Ago--- Seattle**

"You didn't go to the funeral." Mark came up beside Callie, still in his suit.

"Nope, had to work." Callie handed a chart to the nurse who then handed her back another one. She set off down the hall, reading the chart as she went.

Mark followed. "You should have gone."

Callie didn't meet his eyes. "You can't close down hospitals."

"Somebody could have covered for you."

"He was a colleague. I don't need to cloak myself in black and stand around a grave to mourn him."

"No Callie, he was your ex-husband and his mother wanted you there." Mark departed, leaving Callie with her guilt.

It seemed like Callie's shift dragged on forever but that was fine with her. She needed the distraction. She needed to occupy her mind with saving lives to forget that she hadn't been able to save his.

She didn't say hi to Yang, but her roommate didn't hold it against her. She disappeared into her room, tossing her purse down and flopping onto the bed next to her stack of mail. She was about to push it off the bed, too detached to deal with bills and such, but an envelope on the top caught her eye and stayed her hand. She picked up the plain white envelope with her name written by hand in a tight script she felt like she recognized. There was no return address so she flipped the letter over and slid her finger under the flap to break the seal. A folded stack of at least five pages sat inside. She pulled it out, unfolded it, and began to read. From the first word she knew who it was. Nobody called her Cal, but Erica.

She read through the letter six times. It didn't seem real. It was just what she needed and yet also everything she didn't need at exactly the same time. She needed to hear from an objective source that she would survive this but she didn't have the energy to miss Erica Hahn right now and that's exactly what she wanted to do. Once Erica leaked into her thought it was nearly impossible to get her out.

There was a knock at her door. It opened and Arizona popped her head in.

"Hey." Arizona stepped in the room and closed the door quietly behind her. "How're you holding up?"

Callie rubbed her eyes and sat up. She hadn't even realized she'd fallen asleep. "I'm okay, I think."

"You think, or you know?" Arizona sat down on the edge of the bed.

Callie smiled, as Erica had asked her to do, and shrugged. "It's gonna hurt for a while, but I'll get through it, we'll get through it."

Arizona smiled and hugged Callie. She didn't say anything; she didn't need to. Every ounce of pride she felt for Callie was conveyed in her embrace.

-----/////-----

**Three and a Half Years Ago--- Baltimore, Maryland**

"I need you to prep Ms. Rogers for her surgery this afternoon. Page me when you're done."

The resident nodded and disappeared. Erica headed straight to her office. As she rounded the last corner she froze. Her eyes were on the papers in her hands but she felt the crackle in the air, felt the eyes boring into her. Slowly, she looked up. Ahead of her, blocking the entrance to her office, was Callie Torres. She looked as beautiful as ever, her long wavy black hair let down to frame her face, her tan skin glowing. Her leather jacket was draped over one arm, her purse on the shoulder of her other. She gave a small wave when Erica met her eye.

It took a second for it to kick in that this was really happening, that Callie was really there.

Callie shifted uneasily in the silence. Erica could tell she was nervous; this must have been a spur of the moment decision for her. Callie had never been a long term plans kind of girl the entire time they had been friends. She had learned the hard way how disastrous planning too far ahead could be.

"Can we talk?"

Erica nodded and gestured to the door of her office. Callie turned and headed inside, followed closely by Erica. She closed the door and crossed the room to her chair, putting the desk between her and Callie. She could already feel the old emotions bubbling inside her. This close proximity was dangerous.

"I don't have long Dr. Torres…"

"Please don't speak to me like we're strangers."

"What do you want from me Callie?" She fell into her chair and sighed. "I don't have the energy to do this right now."

Callie shifted uneasily and then, as if suddenly finding some secret source of determination, stood firm. "I didn't come here expecting anything. I screwed things up. You left Seattle Grace, left the city, because of my actions. I came to apologize and to ask for your forgiveness."

Erica was completely taken aback. Did she just hear her correctly? She had come here to ask for forgiveness? That was so not like the Callie she remembered. Callie had always been just as stubborn as she was. "I appreciate the gesture, but you didn't need to come all the way here just to say sorry. You could have called or sent a letter or something."

Callie frowned. "You can't honestly expect me to believe that you would have taken any calls from me."

Erica bit her lip. "Touché."

"Besides, I didn't just come to apologize."

Erica nodded smugly, having suspected an ulterior motive all along.

"Did you mean it?"

Erica looked at Callie, confused.

Callie could feel the tears stinging her eyes, but they weren't visible, not yet. "In your letter, you said you loved me. Did you mean it?"

Erica closed her eyes and rubbed her temples. "Callie, I told you, I can't do this right now. I don't have time."

"Bullshit."

Erica's eyes shot open and she looked up.

Callie's eyes never left hers as the brunette came around the desk and sat on the edge right in front of her. She leaned forward, placing a hand on either side of Erica's chair, trapping her in the seat. "You're just scared."

Erica rolled her eyes and scoffed. "Of what? You? You can't be serious."

Callie shook her head and smiled. "No, you're not scared of me." She closed the distance between her lips and Erica's, bringing them together in an all too familiar union. Erica didn't struggle, but instead pulled Callie off the desk and straight into her lap. When Callie finally pulled away she grinned. "You're scared of falling in love with me again."

Erica leaned her forehead against Callie's, the faintest hint of a smile on her lips. "That's your theory?"

Callie kissed her again and nodded, never breaking the kiss.

-----/////-----

**Two and a Half Years Ago--- Los Angeles**

"She flies in today?" Addison sipped on her drink and looked out at the beach from the deck of the seaside restaurant.

Erica followed her gaze. "She lands at noon."

Addison glanced at Erica, studying her. It was a skill that she possessed that unsettled Erica. Addison could look at her for thirty seconds and read everything she was feeling like a book.

"She's still seeing the peds surgeon?" Addison's gaze was burning into her, though her voice remained neutral.

"They've been through so much together; she's just not ready to hurt her yet. I just have to be patient. She's waiting for the right time."

"It's been a year."

"She wants to say something, she really does. It's just things come up and god I sound pathetic."

Addison just stared at her, all knowing.

Erica shrugged and glanced back at the water. "I love her, more than I've ever loved anyone." She smiled to herself. "It sounds crazy but if this was the only way to be with Callie, I think I would sneak around like this forever."

"You're right, that is pathetic." Addison chuckled when Erica glared at her. "Not that I haven't been pathetic before too. I actually thought if I went from NYC to Seattle, Derek would leave Meredith, forgive me for sleeping with his best friend, and we would start over with a clean slate. Believe me, I've been pathetic too."

"But?"

"The only difference between you and me is that I realized it and did something about it."

-----/////-----

"Cal?" Erica stared up at the ceiling of their hotel room. Her left hand was stroking Callie's hair as they laid there, Callie's head on her chest, their naked bodies intertwined under the covers.

Callie sighed and looked up. "You're breaking up with me aren't you?"

Erica shook her head but glanced away from Callie's accusing eyes.

Callie slid up her body, straddling her hips and looking down at her. "Are you?"

Erica looked up at Callie, her eyes sliding slowly over the younger woman's body. She smirked. "Now that's just not fair. How can I answer that like this?"

Callie crossed her arms across her bare chest. "Better?"

Erica frowned. "You really want an answer, don't you?"

Callie nodded, her face serious.

"No, I'm not, not yet."

Callie nodded and looked away, biting her lip. "It's about Arizona right?"

"Cal, I love you. I want you, all of you. I'm tired of the secret meetings. I'm tired of coming to LA so you can use visiting Addison as an excuse to travel. I want to fly in and surprise you at work and not have to worry about your girlfriend catching us. It's not selfish to want to be the one you want all the time."

Callie nodded. "But now's not a good time."

Erica sighed. "Then when?"

Callie slid off Erica's lap and swung her legs off the bed, her back to the blonde. "Give me two months. If I can't break it off by then, we can stop the monthly secret rendezvous routine."

Erica knew she should argue; she wanted to argue, to point out that two months was a long time to break up with someone, but she said nothing. She had to be careful with Callie. Callie had become fearful when it came to commitment. If she pushed her, she'd just make a break for it. Erica had had to learn that the hard way. She never wanted to go through that again. So she ended up giving Callie a lot more breaks than she should, maybe more than she deserved. "Okay."

Callie turned to her somberly. "This isn't like that first okay, where you said okay but it really wasn't okay, right? Because I can't go through you making me feel everything is fine and then disappearing again. I can handle anticipated rejection; I can't handle another blind side."

Erica flinched. "I'm sorry."

Callie sighed and crawled back up next to Erica. She laid her head back on Erica's chest. "I'm sorry too. I'm being unfair to you. It's not right. I know I need to break things off with Arizona. I just don't want to hurt her. She's done nothing wrong. She was so patient with me after George…" Callie paused in silent remembrance. "She's supported me nearly every second of every day. I just can't make her feel like she's done something wrong."

Erica stroked Callie's hair once again. "Someone's heart is going to get broken here. You can't keep us both Cal, as much as you may want to. I don't want to share you, and I know she doesn't want to either. But you can't protect us both. One of us is going to lose."

-----/////-----

**Present Day--- Seattle**

"We're here." Erica looked up at the sound of Sloan's voice. He still wasn't looking at her, so she knew she wasn't off the hook just yet.

The part of Erica that was still in denial half expected to see Callie waiting with a huge smile on her face when they reached the terminal. But it was full of strangers coming and going, none of which noticed their presence.

She followed Mark blankly to his car and got in. She had no reservation, no place to go. Mark didn't ask. He just started the car and pulled out of the parking lot as if he knew exactly where to go.

"I'm don't think I'm ready to go to the hospital just yet."

"I guess it's good that I'm not heading there then."

Erica breathed a sigh of relief. She wasn't ready to face the accusing glares, or worse, the pity. She didn't know whether the staff at SGH would greet her with anger or resentment or disapproval. She had never been Miss Popular and being absent for the past five years hadn't done her any favors.

"Where are we going?"

"My place."

"You're truly despicable Sloan. Your best friend just died and all you can think about is getting into my pants. You haven't changed one bit."

"Screw you Erica." Mark shook his head, trying to calm his anger. "you have no right to assume you know me anymore. I have no interest in your pants or what's in them. I'm engaged. I have a family now. I also happen to have a guest room that I was going to offer you. You have no friends here Erica Hahn. When this hits you… when it seeps through the several layers of bitch and you actually feel it, you're going to want somewhere to go. You're going to want someone on your side."

Erica said nothing. She had never had Sloan reprimand her like that. His face was flushed in anger and he still refused to look at her. They rode in silence, neither willing to apologize or admit fault.

Finally Sloan pulled off the road and onto what she assumed was his driveway. They drove for another half mile before they came to a stop before a huge two story house. The front yard was massive. It was spotless except for a lone tree with a huge tire swing dangling from a branch halfway up.

"You live here?"

"For nearly three years now."

The house itself was grand. It was brick with white trimming, very typical family home… well a wealthy family in this case.

"There's so much room." Erica got out of the car and glanced around.

"I had a family in mind when I bought it."

She followed him up to the front door, too amazed by his comment to speak. Sloan had changed, or so it appeared.

Once inside, directly to her right was a massive family room. It was littered with toys, a graveyard of trucks and action figures.

"You have children?"

Sloan nodded. "And a grandchild."

Erica looked at him with a half smile. "How'd you manage that?"

"It's a long story."

He showed her around the rest of the house, ending in the guest room.

"Maybe if you're up for it later, you could join us for dinner. We can go to the hospital tomorrow. I'm sure you'll want to get there before her parents."

Erica nodded.

Mark turned away. "I'll leave you to rest."

Erica set her bag down on the bed. "Sloan…"

Mark didn't stop. "You're welcome."


	7. Stage Two

DISCLAIMER:: not mine. belongs to shonda and abc studios.

A/N:: i did not forget that i promised more frequent updates and that is just about to start. it is the off season at my job and my mom is helping with my little boy while my ankle gets finished recuperating. so i am confined to my place with nothing but my laptop and time.

-----/////-----

**Two Years Ago--- Baltimore**

_Knock. Knock._

"Come in." Erica didn't bother to look up. Residents, interns, and nurses were always interrupting her,

flitting in and out of her office all day.

"Good, you're here."

Erica looked up. Callie was standing on the other side of her desk.

Callie took a step closer. "I was on the flight here and I realized I have no clue where you live. I've never been to your place, not here anyway."

"I didn't know you were coming; I would have taken some time off had I known." Erica stood and stepped around the desk.

Callie held up a hand to stop any contact. "This isn't a social call."

Erica stopped. "Oh?"

"I have a surgery in the morning." Callie coughed into the crook of her arm.

Erica waited for Callie to explain this less than a day trip across the country in silence. But when she noticed how uncomfortable Callie seemed, she tried a different approach.

"What kind of surgery?"

Callie glanced at her sideways as if weighing how to answer. It was a look she didn't understand. Callie usually bragged about her surgeries and how much of an orthopedic rockstar she was. "Removing a lung tumor."

"When do you fly back? Maybe we can find some time to go out to dinner or something before your flight."

Callie gave her a look of longing. "Sometime next week hopefully."

Erica raised an eyebrow. "You came to Maryland to do a surgery?"

Callie gave a small nod. "Something like that." She fell into the seat in front of Erica's desk.

Still slightly confused, Erica went back around her desk and sat down. She stared intently at Callie, too scared to pressure her into explaining but also exceedingly curious as to why she flew across the country to perform a surgery that wasn't even in her area of expertise.

Callie coughed once more, this time into her hand. When she pulled it away there were small spatters of blood.

"Cal?" Erica shot up and raced around her desk. Her hands grabbed Callie's wrists and forced her hands palm up. She grabbed a tissue from her desk and wiped away the blood. "What is this?"

Callie looked down into Erica's eyes and for the first time Erica saw the exhaustion in them. "I have stage two bronchogenic carcinoma."

Erica paled. "Lung cancer. You didn't come here to perform a tumor removal; you're having a tumor removal." Her stomach dropped as the realization hit her. Her 11AM was Callie. She couldn't speak. She couldn't breathe.

"It thought it would be better to tell you in advance. I didn't want you to be caught off guard. I came to you because you're the best and I want the best."

"Cal…" She couldn't do this. She couldn't operate on the woman she loved as much as she may want to.

Callie heard the warning in her tone. She threw her arms around Erica's neck and said in a whisper, "Please. Please Erica, do this… for me. I need you; I need my best friend. I need you to do what you do best and save me. Save my life so that I can spend the rest of it with you."

-----/////-----

**Present Day--- Seattle**

Erica shot up in bed. She was sweating though the room was chilly. A look out the window told her the sun was high in the sky. It was so ironic that the day she'd return would fall on one of Seattle's rare days of good weather. It was almost as if Seattle was laughing at her.

She stretched and got up, finding her way easily downstairs thanks to Sloan's earlier tour. She headed for the kitchen in search of coffee.

Lexie Grey was sitting at the kitchen table when she entered. Erica jumped back, her hand going to her chest in surprise.

"Mark told me you'd probably be up before he got back."

"Where'd he go?"

"Grocery store. He didn't think the frig was stocked enough for company and there's only junk food in the cupboards. Coffee?"

Erica nodded, slowly edging to the table and sitting down on the far side. "That would be wonderful thanks."

Lexie got up and for the first time Erica noticed the baby bump.

"You're pregnant."

Lexie didn't look at her as she removed a mug from a cupboard by the refrigerator and pour some coffee from the steaming pot into it. "Last time I checked."

"Congratulations. " Erica managed a small smile. "Who's the lucky guy?"

Lexie looked directly at her for the first time since she'd walked into the room. "Mark, who else?"

"Sloan?"

Lexie crossed the room and set the coffee in front of her. "He is my fiancé."

That came out of left field for Erica. She had once witnessed Lexie Grey's obvious disapproval of Sloan's man whore ways. How could so much change?

As if reading her mind, Lexie answered her silent question. "Time changes everything." She sat back in her seat with a fresh cup of coffee and stared at Erica for several long moments. Finally, after a few sips from her cup, she set it down and folded her hands on the table as if gearing up for a long discussion. "After you left and Mark and I got together, we moved into the apartment across the hall from Callie and Yang. In the time we lived there, Callie and I grew close. She told me she was seeing you, cheating on Arizona with you. She always said it was her biggest regret and her best decision. She loved you very much, but I'm sure you knew that."

Erica took a sip of her own coffee and sighed. "Ever since she came back into my life I never once questioned whether she cared for me; I knew she did. But I always questioned whether she cared for me enough."

"The last time she came back…" Lexie smiled at the memory. "She told me if you were to follow her, just follow your heart for once, she would ask you to marry her on the spot. It was the most serious I think I ever saw her."

Erica felt a twisting burn rip through her heart. She had been so close to perfect happiness. If she had followed her instincts, if she had just told Callie to stay that final time, just maybe she would have been there to see her leave this world. "She told me not to come; she said she didn't want me to follow her." It sounded feeble and defeated leaving her mouth.

Lexie shook her head, tears at the corners of her eyes. "She lied."

The door opened and closed causing both women to look up. A few seconds later Mark walked through the door carrying several grocery bags followed closely by a blonde carrying a little boy. He smiled when he saw her but didn't seem surprised to see her up, though Lexie had already told her he predicted she would awaken before he returned. He set the grocery bags on the counter.

"I see you two had some time to catch up. Erica this is Sloane, my daughter." He lifted the toddler from the blonde's arms. "And this little guy is my grandson Marcus."

Erica was polite in her greeting though she was still in awe of the change she saw in Sloan's life and in the man himself. All these years she was so sure that he was the one person she would always have figured out, the one person incapable of change, but here he was, a family man. It amazed her.

After the groceries were put away Erica retired to her room, too numb to attempt being social. She never was that good at it anyway. She would rather spend more time living in her memories of Callie. It was an hour before Mark came looking for her.

"You doing okay?" He leaned against the door frame, too afraid to come closer without her permission.

Erica looked up from where she was staring out the window at Sloane playing with Marcus in the front yard. She ignored his question and turned back on the scene. "She's so young to have a child."

"So was her mom. She's adjusted well though, being here."

"When did you and Dr. Grey start seeing each other?"

Mark took a step into the room. "Not long after you left. Sloane showed up that Thanksgiving, pregnant. It took some adjusting but it's been good for me having all of them in my life."

Erica gave Mark the first genuine smile she'd given him in a long time. "I can see that." She stepped away from the window and looked down at the floor to avoid his eyes. "Do you think we could go to the hospital now? I want to do this sooner rather than later."

Mark was silent for a very long time before he answered. "I'll grab my keys."


	8. Arizona

DISCLAIMER:: not mine. belongs to shonda rhimes and abc studios.

-----/////-----

"You ready for this?"

"I don't think I'll ever be ready for this." Erica stared up at the giant that was Seattle Grace Hospital. Would she ever be ready to walk in there and face what was waiting? No, she knew she wouldn't. But that was precisely why she knew she had to do it. If she cowered and ran away until she felt comfortable going in, she would never come back.

"Let's do this then." Mark waited for her to lead the way through the main entrance, mostly because he was afraid if he went first she wouldn't follow, and he was right.

Both the exterior and interior of the massive teaching hospital hadn't changed much in her absence. She hadn't expected it to crumble without her but it seemed almost wrong that now, with Callie gone, things should be as they always were. People were moving on, life was moving on. That was not okay.

Erica took a deep breath to calm her nerves. She felt as if she were on the verge of panic. This place was cold, indifferent, empty, without her. I can't be here. I can't breath. Why did I want to come here? Stupid, stupid, stupid. What were you thinking? You have to get out. Get out now! Get out! Run!

Just when she thought she really would bolt, Mark put a hand on her shoulder. "The feeling passes."

Words and small gestures were hardly going to quell the nausea and panic that had seized Erica, but it was enough to keep her legs moving forward. She followed Mark to the stairs and mentally thanked him for not heading for the elevator. Too many memories there. She was already overwhelmed enough. A trip upstairs in that would break her and she couldn't break. Not yet. She was saving that for later.

There were people she recognized and people she didn't, but she paid no attention to either. In turn, they conveniently ignored her whether from a lack of desire to speak to her or a respect for her mourning she couldn't tell.

When she emerged on the surgical floor the small faint glimmer of hope that still remained in her expected to see Callie leaning in her sexily confident way against the familiar nurses' station. If it were five years ago, her face would light up when Erica rounded the corner; she would smile that smile that Erica loved, as if she had some secret burning just behind her eyes that very few souls were privy to. She would whisper some sultry welcome as Erica got close enough that only she could hear. Erica would feel that warm feeling shoot through her body and that would stay with her all day, making her a slave to her desire for Callie Torres.

But it wasn't five years ago. Now when she rounded the corner, the station was populated by various staff members who looked nothing short of miserable. There was no smile, no welcome, no feeling. But she still wanted Callie and as they passed by she realized that feeling would never go away. She would want Callie for many many years to come. Such is the way of humanity, to want that which they may never have.

As they passed by her old office she glanced at the door. It had a different name on it now, it wasn't hers nor did she wish to try and claim it. It was merely another stop on her trip down memory lane. She looked away nearly as fast as she'd glanced at it.

She never asked where they were going and Mark never offered. They arrived at one of the many patient rooms on the floor. Nothing was special about it from the mere look of it, but Erica instantly knew this was where it had ended for Callie.

"I can't go in there." Erica stopped dead and shook her head.

Mark looked at her sympathetically. "She's not… I mean the body… she's been moved down to the morgue until her parents arrive."

Erica nodded. "I know. It's not that. I just…"

Mark took her arm. "You're fine." He was gentle, enough so that after a moment she gave in and nodded.

She wasn't surprised to find Addison Montgomery sitting next to an empty bed. She looked up when they entered and there was a deep sadness that sunk into her eyes when she caught sight of Erica. The person she didn't expect to see was the blonde on the other side, mostly because she had no clue who the blonde was. As far as Erica knew she had never seen this doctor before.

"Erica." It was Addison who spoke. Her voice was weary, exhausted. She looked run down.

Erica couldn't even begin to dream of smiling, but she gave the softest nod of greeting she could manage. Of her many friends Callie had always counted Addison and Mark among her best. She had never understood the Mark half of the equation, but she had liked Addison from the moment she met her. Though the redhead had more compassion in her pinky finger than Erica had in her entire body, they had a similar personality.

The blonde looked up as if from a trance at the sound of Erica's name. Her eyes took a moment to focus on the woman she'd never met but always envied. "Erica Hahn."

It all clicked instantly as if the light switch had just been flipped on. "Arizona Robbins."


	9. Beginning Of The End

DISCLAIMER:: not mine. belongs to shonda and abc studios

A/N:: sorry this took so long. having a little boy is A LOT crazier than i thought it would be. no time for breathing let alone writing. more updates to come as time allows.

-----/////-----

Arizona had always been logical. Sure she lived in her dreamy world of peds where anything was possible, but that was because there were kids involved and kids needed that. They needed somebody who they thought believed in magic and monsters. She was that person for them. But at the end of the day she went home, leaving the magic and the monsters at the doors of the hospital. Losing her brother had proven there was hardly magic in the world. There was beauty, great beauty, but nothing magical.

At least that was what she had believed. Then Calliope came into her life. Breathtaking, wondrous Calliope Torres. Calliope had made her believe in magic again.

It wasn't that she didn't expect there was more to Callie's frequent vacations than just hanging out with Addison, but she wasn't ready to face it. There is a short term safety in being oblivious. So she put on her blinders and just forgot that her girlfriend spent a week every few months in Los Angeles. It helped that Calliope never hinted at it. When she was there her every affection was directed at Arizona. The blonde just had to look in Callie's eyes and she could see the orthopedic surgeon was sincere. There wasn't a moment Arizona ever felt unloved.

Once she let her suspicions sink in, her mind wandered to the obvious. Addison Forbes-Montgomery. She was a big name, bigger than Arizona by far. She was rich and well bred like Calliope. And they had a history. They were best friends. It didn't hurt that she was brutally hot either. Redheads weren't really her forte, but even she would make an exception for Dr. Montgomery.

But then Calliope took a trip, rather unexpectedly, to Baltimore. When Addison called to talk to her while she was away Arizona realized the redhead neonatal surgeon had just been a cover. A little effort in the research department gave her the answer she was looking for. Erica Hahn was at Johns Hopkins. Callie was going to Baltimore to see her. It hurt her that Calliope didn't even want to hide it anymore. The end of their relationship was in sight, Arizona knew it.

When her plane landed in Baltimore, Calliope had called her and said they needed to talk when she got back. Arizona dreaded her return. But when Calliope did return over a week later, the talk, at least as Arizona expected it, never happened.

-----/////-----

**Two Years Ago--- Seattle**

"Thanks for coming to pick me up." Callie shuffled her feet. She look slightly defeated and almost as if she had aged a number of years in her time away. "After that phone call, I thought you probably wouldn't want to."

Arizona nodded. "We need to talk does have a negative connotation, but that doesn't mean I'm going to leave you stranded at the airport."

Calliope did something that surprised her then. She threw her arms around her neck and hugged her hard. It took her a second to react but she finally had the good sense to return the sentiment.

Callie pulled out of the hug but not out of Arizona's arms. "I love you."

"I love you too. What's wrong? You look upset."

Callie paled a little. "Can we go home first?"

Arizona frowned, but nodded. "Sure."

Arizona held out the steaming cup of freshly brewed coffee which Callie took gratefully as Arizona sat next to her.

After she had given Callie enough time to absorb some caffeine, she decided to broach the inevitable. "What were you doing in Baltimore? Is that what you wanted to talk about?"

Callie was quiet for several minutes. "No, I don't want to talk about why I went to Baltimore." Callie sighed and set down her coffee. "I've been having an affair, but I think you already knew that."

Arizona nodded. "With Erica Hahn."

Callie's silence was Arizona's confirmation.

"Do you love her Calliope?"

Callie flinched at the pain in Arizona's voice. If this had been anyone else that pain would be accompanied by anger, but there was no trace of resentment in Arizona's voice.

"It's over."

"That's not what I asked."

"I don't know. No. Yes. Of course." Callie gazed into Arizona's eyes and again she was reminded of how tired and defeated Callie looked.

"So, where do we go from here Calliope?"

Callie closed her eyes and turned back to her coffee cup. "That's up to you. Like I said, it's over."

Arizona got up. "What happened?"

"She betrayed me."

The finality in Callie's tone was enough to keep Arizona from pressing. "Calliope… you can't expect me to be okay with this. I can't just believe it's over between you two so it's okay to forget what you did."

Callie looked at her. "I know. I'd be lying if I told you I had expected you would stay. But I do love you. I know that doesn't mean much, but it is true. I love you."

Arizona smiled sadly and the first of the tears fell. "And that would be enough… if you didn't love her too."

-----/////-----

**Present Day--- Seattle**

Now Arizona was standing face to face with the other object of Calliope's affection.

She didn't realize everyone was holding their breath, including herself, until she heard the footsteps outside the door and they sounded so loud in the silence it hurt her ears.

She searched Erica's eyes and she saw a longing and a desperation she knew better than anybody and at that moment she had no doubt Erica had loved Callie every single bit as much as Callie had loved her.

"I think we should talk."


	10. Last Request

DISCLAIMER:: not mine. belong s to shonda rhimes and abc studios

A/N:: i know the wait between updates has been ridiculous. but who knew being a mom was such a full time job? i have updates for Matters of the Heart as well. however, that is on my home computer and i am currently on a business trip in the midwest with only my laptop in tow. i return to the west coast in a few days at which time i will post more updates for both stories.

-/-

**Present Day- Seattle**

Erica Hahn was not naturally a nervous person. She didn't crumble under pressure; she rose to the challenge. She prided herself on being cool, calm and collected in any situation. She was focused at all times. But when Addison and Mark vacated the room, Erica found herself growing apprehensive.

"Congratulations. I heard you're going to be chief. The last five years have obviously been good to you."

Erica nodded. "My career took off once I left Seattle." She laughed dryly. "My work seems so unimportant now."

Arizona nodded sadly, knowing exactly how Erica felt.

Erica fell into the seat Addison had occupied with a sigh.

Arizona took the other empty seat. "Can I ask you something?"

Erica shrugged. "I don't see how I can stop you."

"She told me she ended the affair because you betrayed her. She never gave me details. What exactly did you do?"

Erica was silent for a long time. Finally she ran a hand across her tired face. "I made a hard decision. She disagreed with it."

-/-

**Two Years Ago- Baltimore**

Erica leaned close to Callie's head as she laid there on the operating table. "You know the drill Cal, count back from ten."

"You'll be there when I wake up?" Callie's eyes locked on Erica's.

"I'll be right there, I promise."

Callie smiled and nodded as she began to count backwards from ten. The second her eyes closed Erica stepped away and the door to the scrub room opened. Preston Burke came in.

"Dr. Hahn."

"Dr. Burke."

The OR was silent.

Finally Burke looked around expectantly. "Let's go to work people. We got a life to save."

The surgery went smoothly enough. It was so routine Erica could have done it in her sleep. She knew every individual in that room questioned why she hadn't done the surgery herself. Even more confusing was why she had called in her arch nemesis, Dr. Burke, to do the job.

She stood next to Burke, scrubbing out, though her hands were as clean as when she'd gone in. They said nothing to each other. Finally Burke ceased the flow of water and dried his hands. He turned for the door.

"Preston."

He paused and glanced over his shoulder and then continued out the door.

-/-

Erica had been in Callie's room for over three hours as the younger doctor slept off her surgery. She used the time to think about her plan to tell Callie the truth. Callie wanted to spend forever with her and there was no room for lies in forever.

"Erica?"

Erica's head whipped to the bed where Callie was smiling weakly back at her.

"Hey." Erica crossed the distance between them in one second. "How are you feeling?" She pushed a strand of Callie's hair behind her ear.

"You're here," was what Callie offered as an answer.

Erica ran her thumb across Callie's bottom lip and then leaned in for a kiss. When they finally pulled apart they both smiled.

"I love you Cal."

"I'm not going back to Seattle."

Erica's breath caught. She knew what Callie had said several hours before, when she was in Erica's office begging her to do the surgery, but it had crossed her mind that Callie might have been using her desires to manipulate her into performing the surgery. "Are you sure you want to make a decision this big right now Callie?"

Callie nodded. "I love you. You're here in Baltimore. That means I need to be in Baltimore. If you ask me, it's the easiest decision I've ever made in my life. I want to be with you."

"Okay."

Callie pulled Erica in for another kiss.

-/-

"How are you feeling this morning, Ms. Torres?" The nurse checked her IV drip and surgical site.

"I get to go home today Natalie. Life is good."

Natalie smiled. "I'm sure Dr. Hahn's excited. I think she's been waiting for something to go wrong, like she doesn't trust Dr. Burke's skills."

Callie raised an eyebrow. "Dr. Preston Burke?"

Natalie nodded and headed for the door. "Yep. You think if she didn't trust his abilities she wouldn't have asked him to do the surgery in the first place."

-/-

Erica felt as if her heart was floating. Callie was coming home today. She already made preparations to take a couple weeks off until the brunette got situated. Once she was used to the city and well enough adjusted they would start searching for a more permanent setting than Erica's bachlorette pad.

"Dr. Hahn, I thought you'd be home with Dr. Torres." Natalie, Callie's day nurse, strolled up to her just as she was about to enter Callie's room.

"I was actually just about to swing by her room and collect her." Erica smiled, an action very few hospital personnel had ever seen.

"I thought you knew… she checked herself out about an hour ago."

After a half hour of searching the hospital, calling Callie's cell, calling her own apartment, and checking with the airport, she finally gave up. She returned to her office. Callie was sitting in one of the two chairs in front of her desk.

"Cal? Cal, baby, I've been searching for you everywhere. You had me worried sick." Erica came around and crouched in front of Callie's seat. She noticed the tear streaks instantly. "Cal, what's wrong? Are you in pain?"

"No, no pain. My surgery went great. Dr. Burke did a great job."

"Well, what are the tears…." It hit her then. "Cal, I was going to tell you."

"When? Next week? Next month? Next year?"

"I was waiting for the right time."

"You lied to me Erica." Callie closed her eyes. "I have to go back to Seattle."

Erica stood, backing away a step as if she'd been burned. "You'll come back though?"

"I don't think so."

"Because I didn't tell you that I let Burke operate on you?"

"I came to you! Not because you were my girlfriend but because you're the best cardiothoracic surgeon in the country! I knew I'd be safe with you! And you passed me off to someone else! Need I remind you how we met? You were called upon by my ex husband, may he rest in peace, to work on his father because Dr. Burke had an injury that had left him with an unsteady hand! You entrusted my life to the man my ex husband passed on. That's why I'm leaving." Callie shook her head. "I can't do this now."

Callie made her way to the door.

"Do you love me Callie?" Erica tried to keep the emotion out of her voice.

Callie turned around, tears in her eyes. "I do but that isn't enough anymore."

Erica was in front of Callie in a second. "Stay." She kissed her with an urgency, a desperation she always felt for the brunette, but hardly ever showed. She expected Callie to pull away but the younger surgeon didn't.

When the kiss finally broke some minutes later, Callie leaned her forehead against Erica's. "I wish you wouldn't try to change my mind."

Erica felt her heart lift. "Stay, Callie, please. At least for tonight."

Callie kissed her again, deeply. "Take me home."

Erica made a vow to herself right then that she would not betray Callie's trust ever again. She would love her like she deserved, for the rest of her life.

That night she fell asleep with Callie safely entangled in her arms.

The next morning when she woke up, Callie had gone.

-/-

**Present Day- Seattle**

Arizona stared at her, almost sympathetically as the memory faded out of Erica's mind.

"I know it may not be worth much but I think you did the right thing by calling Dr. Burke. He's a great surgeon. You were too invested in the situation. Calliope should have seen that and respected it."

Erica nodded. "I appreciate that. That's something I've been questioning for two years. It's worth more than you know."

They lapsed into a silence that surprisingly was not awkward.

"It was a Wednesday, nearly a year, almost exactly in fact, after she had returned from Baltimore, when she told me about the cancer."

Erica paled. She was torn between a desperation to know and a revulsion at the thought of it. "It's okay if you don't want to talk about this."

Arizona stared back at her with knowing eyes. "If you go back to Baltimore without knowing what happened, you'll regret it."

Erica nodded.

"She decided to stay with me, more because she was afraid of being alone and to fill the void of your absence than that she truly loved me more. We both had that Wednesday off. Calliope and I made plans to go out but we ended up staying in with pizza, just like the first time we…" Her eyes flashed to Erica's and she knew she needn't finish the sentence. "She'd been having coughing fits for weeks and she kept saying it was nothing. But that night, it wouldn't stop. The second I saw blood I told her we needed to go to the doctor. She told me everything, with the exception of going to see you for surgery. She never told me she had gone to Baltimore for the surgery. I always assumed she had gone for one last hoorah."

Erica tensed. Either Callie had been ashamed or she had just wanted to keep their last moments a secret.

Arizona's eyes swelled with pain. "She wanted to fight it and she did. But it was too advanced. Chemo and radiation weren't a possibility. They gave her three months, she lasted a year. She was quite strong through it all, even at the very end."

Erica felt tears stinging her eyes. "Cal was always brave."

"She faced death head on and she never asked for anything until the night before she passed."

"What did she ask for?" Erica wiped her eyes but it did nothing to help, fresh tears replacing every one she wiped away.

"She asked for you."


	11. In Her Final Hour

DISCLAIMER:: not mine. belongs to abc studios and shonda rhimes

A/N:: i return home later this afternoon, after a long flight back. i will post an update for matters of the heart sometime today or tomorrow. as for this story, this is the grand finale, as of right now. may be added to later.

-/-

**Three Days Ago- Seattle**

Mark hadn't seen her this bad. He had known about the cancer for nearly a year, almost as long as Arizona had. In all that time Callie had remained strong. There were moments when she faltered but she had been a fighter. She had always fought back. But today she seemed so defeated there on her hospital bed. Evidence of the war raging inside her was apparent all over her body. She had lost a huge amount of weight. Where there had once been the voluptuous curves he knew well, now bones were pressing through flesh trying to break free from their skin prison. Her hair, once silky, had lost its luster. It had thinned from the stress. She looked almost half a person, and yet, even now, he was aware of her beauty. Her eyes still sparkled with the warmth of a life well lived, for Callie had spent her life doing what she loved. Most surgeons would feel betrayal in the end, an anger that hands and science that had saved so many had failed to save them. But that was not Callie. As she chatted casually with Arizona, he knew she was at her end and as he caught her eye and she smiled and he saw in that moment that she knew it too. Death had been knocking on her door for almost a year and she was finally going to let him in.

"Hey Mark." She weakly waved him into the room.

"Hey. How are you feeling?" He took the seat Arizona vacated as she left the room to give them privacy.

She didn't answer his question. "I need to ask you a favor."

"Okay."

"Can you get Erica here? There's something I have to say to her."

-/-

"Absolutely not!" Derek's face flushed.

"Now Derek, that's unfair." Meredith put a hand on his shoulder.

"He cannot call her Meredith."

"She did leave Dr. Torres. It was a cold insensitive thing to do." Bailey voiced her agreement with Derek.

"But it's what Callie wants." Dr. Altman, the new cardiothoracic surgeon, pointed out.

"Dr. Torres doesn't know what she wants. Her mind is clouded." Derek shook his head.

"You don't get to decide that!" Meredith stood her ground.

"STOP!" Mark's face was red. "I come to all you for help and all you can do is argue. Callie doesn't have time for this."

-/-

It only took one glance in the room, one look at the girl on the bed, to know Erica would be too late even if he called her. There was no time left.

"Were you able to get in contact with her?" Callie's voice snapped him out of his thoughts.

"Yeah. She's on her way, next flight out. She'll be here Callie. You'll see her soon."

For a moment her smile became so big and the life flooded her eyes and he caught a glimpse of the Callie Torres he had known. The bold, brash, beautiful surgeon who had lived life loud.

Mark sat down next to Callie on the bed and took her hand. "Tell me what you're going to say to her when she gets here. Practice on me."

Callie glanced at him for a moment. She took a deep breath. "It's been a long time. It's cliché to say that, especially since I'm the reason for our time apart. I can't apologize for what I said to you two years ago in Baltimore. I meant all I said that day. But I think you should know the reason I left without a word. It wasn't because I felt betrayed, though I did, it was because I didn't want you to have to deal with this."

Callie knew there should be tears as she said this, but she was dried up now. She spent too much of her life crying and she wasn't about to spend the end of it that way too. "There are two truths I know. First is that you loved me. I felt that love every moment we were together. You never had to tell me, I just felt it. Second is that I love you." Callie paused to cough roughly into her hand. Mark held her through the fit until it had subsided. She continued as if her lungs hadn't interrupted her. "I know I shouldn't have, but I let you become my everything. I thought my love would diminish with time, but it hasn't. Maybe that makes me pathetic, at times I have thought that, but mostly I think it speaks to my depth. That my heart, fragmented as it is, can still love that much. It amazes me. I can't remember how many days, weeks, months it took me to stop thinking of you every second. Even then I realized there wasn't much else I wanted to think about. I went through grief and back again and for a time I even came to believe that I imagined our time together. Those were the dark times.

"I had a good life without you. I say that with no malice, just as a statement of fact. And now as my life is at its end, I'm going to say the words I never allowed myself to: you were and still are the best friend I've ever had. You are there, in everything I've done, my driving force. If there was one thing I was sure about in this life, it's that I was meant to know you, to love you, if only for a while." Tears pooled at the corner of Mark's eyes and he blinked them away before they could fall and disrupt Callie. "I used to pray to God, even in the times I questioned His existence, that I would die, gladly succumb to my illness for just one more day in your arms. You took away my pain. I will always be in love with you." Another fit of coughs gripped her, this one longer and more severe. Her chest heaved when Mark helped her back onto the pillow. "Maybe it's petty to confess all this on my deathbed but it doesn't change the truth. If I do make it to a better place, Heaven or whatever is beyond death, and they ask me what I liked best, my answer will be you. You were always the best part."

-/-

The next few hours, the significant people in Callie's life filed in sporadically to pay their last respects. No one stayed very long and little was said, but Callie seemed to relax more and more with each visit. Finally it was just her and Mark again. Arizona, who had stayed by her side, even as she continually asked when Erica would get there, had gone to get Mark something to eat. He hadn't moved from the spot on the bed where he lay next to Callie, holding her hand.

Another violent fit raked Callie's body. When it subsided, she had grown noticeably more pale and tired and Mark knew the end had finally arrived.

"Mark."

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

"For what?"

It took a long time to gather enough breath to speak again. "For holding my hand while I die."

Mark had to turn his face away from her to hide the tears that sprang into his eyes. His best friend was dying, and he was going to hold her as she left the world.

Nine minutes later Callie Torres smiled for the last time. "Mark, look. I think I see her. She made it. She's here."

Mark looked towards the empty doorway of Callie's room. He knew the mind could play tricks in its last moments. "I told you she'd make it."

He looked down into frozen eyes, the sparkle finally gone from them. Callie's chest no longer heaved, breath no longer pushed its way out from traitorous lungs. She no longer suffered, the pain had gone from her body. She was gone.

Across the country Erica Hahn cried out in her sleep.


End file.
